


I Am Not My Own

by g__g



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: AU, Angst, F/F, Longing, Love, Slow Burn, choni
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 10:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21354859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g__g/pseuds/g__g
Summary: When things end suddenly can Cheryl and Toni find their way back to each other? Or will life get in the way?
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48





	I Am Not My Own

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to mi vida for always inspiring me and proof reading my stuff ;P

Toni watched as the frame came crashing down, it was as if time slowed, the shards exploding on impact, littering the floor of her tiny studio apartment. The rage she felt seconds before, when she sent the frame hurling across the living room was instantly gone and replaced with an overwhelming sadness as she stared down at the torn photo in the frame. She blinked away tears and tried to clean up the broken glass through tear blurred vision. “My favorite photo..” she whimpered to herself, Toni winced as she felt a stray shard of glass slice through the delicate skin of her finger tip. She watched as drops of blood splattered on the torn photo, smearing the image. She wiped it, revealing two beaming smiles, _ graduation day _, she thought wistfully. Toni let her body slide down to the floor, she slumped against the couch and leaned her head back, staring at the ceiling. 

“Where the hell did this go wrong?” she sighed out loud to herself 

__

It had been 2 weeks of no contact, 2 weeks of silent torture, 2 weeks of feeling sorry for herself. But the day had finally come, tempers had cooled and it was finally time to patch things up and forget about the horrible nightmare that had been the last 14 days. Cheryl woke up extra early to make sure her outfit was perfect, her makeup immaculate and her hair flawless. Every head turned as her heels clacked on the concrete sidewalk, eyes following her every move, she looked perfect and she felt confident. She planned out her entire monologue and was sure this conversation would end with Toni dragging her back to her apartment down the block to make up for lost time, she smirked as she opened the door of their favorite coffee shop with a swoosh.

A breeze of cool air lifted the faded pink strands of hair framing Toni’s face, she looked up and saw Cheryl walking in, the morning sun positioned behind her illuminated her auburn waves, Toni looked her up and down and let out an audible whimper, the scent of cherry blossoms filled her nostrils as the breeze wafted in Cheryl’s signature scent, she looked down and picked at her nails, the sound of clicking heels quickly approaching. Cheryl made eye contact with the barista and gave a wink and a smirk, he nodded in understanding and began making Cheryl’s usual drink; a cappuccino, extra hot, extra dry. 

Toni downed her third cup of black coffee that morning and swallowed hard, Cheryl sat down gracefully and smiled sweetly, reaching her hand across the table to squeeze Toni’s arm reassuringly. Toni flinched at her touch, her eyes quickly flicked up to meet Cheryl’s, the confidence and strength exuding from Cheryl as she made her entrance earlier instantly drained from her face, she clenched her jaw and braced herself for what was sure to be a devastating blow. 

Toni’s mouth moved quickly, she was rambling, Cheryl couldn’t really make out the words, she started with “Babe, I’m so sorry I just..” and then Cheryl’s ears started ringing, not really registering the rest. She watched Toni intensely with a furrowed brow as the moment passed her by slowly. Toni looked like she hadn’t slept in days, her eyes were swollen from crying. Her nails chewed down, her hands shaking probably from only consuming black coffee for god knows how long. 

“Cheryl” 

_ wait was she calling her? _

“Cheryl!”

She jumped slightly, like she had been underwater and just surfaced to the sound of someone shouting her name. 

“Can you please say something.” Toni said desperately. 

Cheryl’s eyes shot at Toni’s, all warmth drained, all walls up.

“Say the words.” 

Toni looked at her confused, barely able to hold herself up from exhaustion.

“Say. The. Words. Toni.” Cheryl said directly. 

“I don’t want to be with you anymore. It’s over” Toni said coldly.

Cheryl stared a second longer, searching Toni’s eyes for any sign of doubt, Toni wasn't there anymore, not the Toni she recognized anyway. Cheryl nodded once, stood up, and turned on her heel. Hair whipping around behind her, sending her sweet smell directly to Toni’s nose. Without another word, Cheryl Blossom, the love of her fucking life walked away, and didn’t look back.

—

“Hey wanna go grab some food? I know this little 24 hour cafe that-“

“You can let yourself out the way you came in, I have an early shoot tomorrow” Toni said over her shoulder as she lit a cigarette and blew a stream of smoke out of the cracked window by her bed

_ SLAM _

She let out a sigh of relief as she heard the door slam.

__

“You look like absolute shit.” 

Toni rolled her eyes at her assistant as she walked into the studio.

“You know we’re gonna be blacklisted from every major agency in New York if you keep screwing the models and then ghosting them immediately afterwards”

“Any other complaints or can we set up please?!” Toni said sarcastically 

“Yea one more, try and get some sleep , you really don’t look well”

Toni knew she looked like crap, she felt like crap too. She barely made it through college, she was a wreck after her break up with Cheryl. When she saw Cheryl walk away from her that day in the coffee shop she immediately regretted everything about the situation and ran after her, she was long gone. She wouldn’t return her calls, the late night visits to her apartment, the pleas she sent on every communication platform that existed. She even wrote her a letter and mailed it as a last resort. RETURN TO SENDER was what she got back.

She knew it was hopeless, she knew the moment she said the words and she watched the expression in Cheryl’s eyes shift. She hadn’t seen that look reflected back to her since the day they had their first spat in the bathroom at Riverdale High, since the moment she reached out and grabbed Cheryl’s hand at Pops that one night, Cheryl always stared at her with a warmth reserved only for Toni, a special softness she only felt safe to share with Toni. She watched that look fade into darkness. She knew that was her one and only chance, Cheryl’s walls were closed, this time for good. 

She managed to do alright for herself, she had a successful business doing what she loved in the city she loved. She was never lonely, Toni was beautiful and she knew it, she never had to have an empty bed if she didn’t want it. It didn’t really matter, she was alone anyway; with someone in her bed, in her arms, in her presence, she was still alone. She loved the chase, the gratification of having someone under her spell, she even enjoyed the sex sometimes, but the instant the moment was over and she looked at the person next to her, a feeling of disgust would come over her, she hated herself and she hated this person in her bed even more. She loathed the emptiness she felt afterwards but craved the rush of being wanted, so the next time someone’s gaze lingered on her at the gym or when a model specifically requested her, the cycle started all over again. Forever searching to fill the void. 

__

Cheryl Blossom was always going to succeed, that was inevitable, she was born to be great. She focused her rage and her pain into school, by the time she graduated she had offers from top design firms begging to take her on as an intern, her eye for fashion, expensive tastes and natural artistic abilities propelled her career in fashion design. It wasn’t long before she was sitting front row at fashion week with her boss, she was being groomed to take over one of the largest fashion design firms in the city. 

“Oh no she doesn’t date I’m sorry” 

Cheryl pretend not to hear the invitation to be a plus one at the latest gala, instead staring intently at the list of designers in front of her. 

“Ok that woman was gorgeous Cheryl, for god sakes what’s your excuse this time!” Her assistant said gaping 

Cheryl glanced over at the woman walking away from them “not my type” Cheryl said simply as she focused her attention back on the runway. 

“You must have a very, very specific type because in the year that I’ve known you, you have turned down every single proposition for every type of woman imaginable”, her assistant joked 

“I do.” Cheryl said matter of factly

It was true, Cheryl hadn’t dated a single person since Toni, and she never would. She had received declarations of love and propositions for one night stands throughout college and they only increased as she became more successful and prominent in the fashion industry. Of course she had found people attractive, of course she considered a few propositions, but she knew what the outcome would be. She had made peace with being alone in this world the moment Jason died, but then Toni came along and destroyed that notion in an instant. She was prepared to pour her life and soul into her relationship with Toni, and she did, but that ended. She wasn’t angry with her anymore, she looked back at her fondly, she was thankful for the time they had, but that was just a moment in time and moments pass. She wouldn’t open herself up again, she hadn’t really planned to with Toni but their connection was undeniable, she knew she wouldn’t come across another one like it in this lifetime. So she felt secure in her choice to live alone, almost comforted by it, for the most part she was content, the loneliness came in the night when memories flooded her thoughts and threatened her usual confident resolve to live alone, but the moments always passed and she picked up the pieces that had shattered in the night, and started the day anew.

__

Toni paced every square foot of her Brooklyn loft, puffs of smoke trailing behind her as she walked. 

2:37AM

The lights flashed as she glanced over at her clock. Another sleepless night. She stared at her phone, hesitated and finally sighed as she quickly typed in the familiar search.

_ Cheryl Blossom _

Up popped her social media accounts and her profile on her company’s website. She looked flawless in her photo, underneath was a brief description of her position in the company and the many accolades she had earned thus far. Toni stared at the photo a second longer before hurling her phone across the room, followed by a loud crack shortly after. That was the second phone screen this month, she sighed.

_ Why is she doing so well without me? Why can’t I seem to shake her, it's been years _ . She wondered to herself feeling down. _ If I could just see her, if she just looked me in the eyes I know I could make her see we belong together, _ Toni thought desperately. She opened her laptop and typed out a quick email to her assistant, she was going to make this happen. She was going to see Cheryl Blossom again.

__

Cheryl massaged her temples gently as she stared at her sketches strewn out on the ground of her office. _ Something is missing, _ she thought to herself. Everything had to be perfect, it was her very first solo showcase, the first time she had complete creative control of an entire look and the show was only a week away. 

“I left your dinner in the kitchen Cheryl, I’m gonna head out, and please try and get some rest”, her assistant pleaded as she left her office. 

It was already 9 and Cheryl had no plans of leaving any time soon. She was dreading going home anyway, she was riddled with unwanted vivid dreams the night before and she couldn't get them out of her head. 

_ “But im not gone, im right here” _

“Whos there??”, Cheryl gasped as she was jolted awake. She looked around the empty office building, realizing she had fallen asleep at her desk.

2:37AM

_ Get it together Cheryl. Focus. _

She made a pot of coffee and worked through the night, more motivated than ever to finish. 

___

“Did you do exactly what I said or not?!”, Toni asked her assistant impatiently

“Yes, but I still don't understand why I had to use my name, you’re like pretty famous, I’m sure you wouldn't have even had to submit a portfolio to get this job”

“So it's a done deal?”

“Yes, we booked the gig for next week” 

“Finally some good news! Lets celebrate with a toast!”

“Toni, it's 9am”

Toni rolled her eyes as she slammed the door behind her. This was her chance, her chance to make Cheryl see.

__

Cheryl looked in the bathroom mirror, checking to make sure she looked as impeccable as she had become expected to look. She smiled genuinely at her reflection.

_ You did it. _

Cheryl had been working her entire young adult life for this moment. She felt like giving up, running away and blowing her inheritance on a new life in Paris, but she focused her pain and her rage into her work. Through her work, she began to heal and in time she began to love herself. Every night was haunted by memories, but with every morning that passed, she was able to piece herself back together with more ease. She loved Toni dearly for being the glue that held her together when she was at her weakest, but today, on the morning of her solo design debut, after all the hard work, she smiled proudly because she didn't need any glue anymore, maybe, just maybe she didn't need anyone to hold her up anymore.

__

“Where the hell is my leather jacket?!” Toni shouted from inside her closet as she threw a hanger out behind her

“Toni we needed to leave 5 minutes ago we’re barely going to make on time!” her assistant pleaded

“She loved me in my leather jacket ok, so we don't leave until I find it, got it!” she spat in desperation

Toni had not slept a wink all night in anticipation, and she looked it. Toni and her assistant made it just as security was about to open the doors to the public. Toni steadied herself and set her equipment up to photograph the runway show. The event went by without a hitch and Toni was in awe of the entire production. It exuded grace, from the music to the lighting, everything was perfect. She could spot Cheryl’s work instantly, it was a beautiful combination of delicate and clearly extravagant fabrics paired with faded worn leather. The perfect balance of beauty and strength. She couldn't help but smile as she continued to document the event, hoping that maybe she had helped inspire Cheryl in some way. When the designers came out for their standing ovations, Toni’s camera was focused strictly on the red head, she clicked away with every step Cheryl took. She captured her flawless outfit and her confident stance as she let the photographers capture her image at the end of the runway. She looked happy, genuinely and truly happy. Toni zoomed in on her face and continued to click away, wanting to remember that smile.

___

POP!

“You did it” her assistant smiled as she poured the champagne into their cups

“I did it” Cheryl smiled broadly. Everything went exactly as she had hoped, it was perfect and in this moment she felt pure joy, in this moment she had never felt more like herself.

“Cheryl?”

Cheryl Blossom’s face shifted, her confident smirk transforming, her face fell and her brow furrowed at the sound of the familiar voice. She whipped around slowly to convince herself her ears were playing tricks on her again. She took a step and faltered, her knees gave out and she reached over to a nearby table to catch herself. Her insides clenched and the air that filled her lungs seconds before, escaped and suddenly she forgot how to inhale. She couldn’t regain her facade, she tried to dig deep and compose herself but failed. Her perfectly curated false confidence shattered before her. A foreign touch jolted her from her thoughts.

“Cheryl you ok?” her assistant said concerned as she gently held her arm.

Toni barreled over, “I think you should step outside” she said directly, staring at the younger girl coldly

She hesitated and looked at Cheryl for any sign of rebuttal but Cheryl was so out of it she couldn’t even maintain eye contact with her. Cheryl’s assistant stood her ground a second longer and as Toni took as step closer Cheryl reached her hand up and croaked out, “it’s fine”, and gave her a nod of approval. She furrowed her brow and left as directed. Toni stared angrily as she walked out. Cheryl kept her gaze on Toni, looking in disbelief. 

Toni mumbled under her breath _ “who does she think she is” _

Cheryl ignored the comment and took a step towards Toni, “Is that you?”, she whispered mostly to herself 

“Baby it’s me, I know, I know it took me a while to get here but here I am and I just want to say I’m sorry and I know I have a lot to explain..” Toni rambled on nervously 

Cheryl wasn’t really listening, she looked intently at Toni’s face, her eyes looked tired, dim. The dark circles under her eyes deeply set, her skin looked pale and the pink in her hair was so grown out it was hardly there at all. Toni’s mouth kept moving but her eyes darted away from Cheryl’s as Cheryl held her own gaze on Toni firmly. She reached up and touched Toni’s cheek, Toni flinched slightly and Cheryl’s heart sank. She grabbed Toni’s face in both hands and took a step closer. She searched her face for what felt like hours as tears fell from her brown eyes. 

“Where did you go?”, Cheryl asked simply and sadly

“I know baby I know I left you and I-”, Toni started

Cheryl dropped her hands and her body fell slightly in defeat 

“No. Now. Where are you now?” 

“I don’t understand, I--I’m right here”, 

“No you’re not. This isn’t you.” Cheryl said taking a step away from her

“I’ve had a difficult few years ok Cheryl” Toni said upset. _ Why isn’t this going as planned _

“I’ve dreamed of this day from the moment I left that coffee shop. Toni, I loved you the first time I saw you and, you know, I love you still, but I am tired. Every morning I pick up the pieces that shatter in the night and I try to get through the next day, try to make something beautiful out of this life. And just as I finally learned to hold myself up, you show up, like this, like someone I don’t even recognize. I have felt loneliness every night in my empty bed, but right now, in this moment with you, I’ve never felt more alone.” Cheryl finished with a deep sadness in her voice

“But Cheryl! I-I I’m here now, and I came to see you, I found you and submitted my portfolio so I could be hired to photograph the event, for you, to see you” Toni stammered in desperation

“You mean for you.” Cheryl stared in disbelief “This moment was mine, just for me, and now all I’ll ever remember is this, how you came barreling into my life with no consideration, no explanations, nothing.”

“Cheryl be reasonable here I deserve-”

“You. Deserve nothing from me Toni. I just put myself back together and for once in my life I feel good about myself and I won’t let you take me down with you. I won’t let you break me again. Go find whatever it is you’re looking for Toni, because I promise you, you won’t find it here with me. Goodbye.” Cheryl finished as tears flooded from her eyes

The door slammed behind her as her heels clicked down the hallway, eventually disappearing into silence. Toni stood alone in the room, alone again. The scent of cherry blossoms lingering in the air.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter is the ending, resolution to follow, maybe?


End file.
